Help

I wonder how long my computer will let me type today before the mouse's trackpad goes haywire. I'm going to try to write because I feel so intensely lonely, down, discouraged, frustrated, worried, painfully anxious. I want to be normal, but I am not. I am deeply depressed and fretful about many things. I want to live a full life, but I am living half a life. I want to be healed, but healing seems so beyond hope. "Faith without hope," a writer describes in his book Washed & Waiting. That is what I have. I believe God could heal me, but I do not hope He will. Healing seems improbable - not impossible, but definitely not likely. I wish I could sleep at night. Instead I lie awake at night and wish I could feel sleepy. Eventually I fall asleep and get 4 or 5 hours of semi-rest with sleep apnea. How is that being fearfully and wonderfully made? Why did God make me this way? Oh, I wish I could die. Then my troubles would be over. I wish I didn't feel like life is "a series of random disappointments," as the author of Washed & Waiting describes. I wish I had a life partner to share in my struggles, to help me see joy, to support me. I know it's bad to view a relationship as whatever I can get out of it, but I am longing for someone to share in my sorrows. Jesus is supposed to do that for me, but He seems unreal and uncaring at worst and indifferent at best. Nothing shakes my loneliness - not a single friend or family member can take it away by their caring or concern. I am a cavern of darkness and aloneness, if aloneness is even a word. I need relief from the heavy burden of my sorrows. Something must change, or I'll go crazy. God of the universe, I know you see. Please help me. Please do something.