Aching

Someday I'd like to work in a flower shop. I love the way flower shops smell, and I'd like to learn how to make arrangements. Flowers bring such joy to people, and fresh cut stems connote life, growth, and hope. The trinkets in flower shops are also a kind of smile-inducing art. Delicate and quirky, they offer whimsy, appealing to the impulsive purchaser's sense of sentimental fun. 

I'd also like to volunteer at the library. Just looking at books makes me want to read and learn, and I imagine that handling hundreds of volumes would give me such pleasure. Feeling the rough and smooth of book bindings on my fingers, smelling the must and dust of decades-old pages, I imagine perusing the stacks would provide a balm for my seeker's heart.

Traveling and writing sounds delightful too, maybe a road trip across the country or backpacking through Europe. I picture sun-filled days in a car, rolling down the window and feeling the wind between my fingers as the miles of farmland pass. Winding roads, stomach-dropping hills, country gas stations and static on the radio between metropolises would all be part of the adventure.

In between my travels, I'd like to take a ballet class. I'd like to learn good posture, graceful walking, lilting movements. Precision and artistry combined.

Hiking mountains and taking in breathtaking views will always be part of my quest, I think. I love smelling the sweet scent of pine needles baking in the sun, feeling the soft thud of my feet against a dirt path, straining to climb a steep trail, seeing a break in the trees as I near the summit.

If only I could find a way to support myself and have time do these things. If only someone would pay for my adventures. Instead, I am about to submit myself to the daily grind once again. The hours of negativity and worry will start to take their toll. In a month or less, I will be exhausted. How can I make the pace sustainable? How can I nurture my artist soul that yearns for room to breathe amidst barrages of stress and pretense?

Where do I belong? Reality says nowhere. My heart aches for a different way of life.