Elusive

Who am I? I find myself searching for a grand purpose. I want to be a writer, but I don't write anything of consequence. I want to find a life partner, but I don't socialize. I want to have a six-pack, but I don't work out all that much. I feel lonely, but I don't reach out.

Where do I belong? I've withdrawn from social obligations because they were too taxing. I have a few close friends but rarely see them. I spend most of my time by myself. Lately, I've started watching Hallmark movies again, hours at a time. Escaping into a fairy tale numbs the pain of being alone, at least momentarily.

I spent the morning with a friend from college and was bored most of the time we were together. I felt my inward sadness weighing me down, keeping me from laughter and fun. I miss my outgoing self, the one who used to take such joy in people. I long for time by myself when I am with others but crave attention from those who understand and care.

What is the secret I am missing? Christians would say it's Jesus. Buddhists might say that I've grown too attached to worldly things, that I need to live more in the present moment.

I would love to know how Jesus is the answer to my problems. I would love to find the hidden element of happiness that seems so elusive in my life. If I busy myself doing nice things for other people, I fail to take care of myself. If I take care of myself, I feel empty and alone.

I wish I could find a way to like myself, to be content with who I am. As it is, life is overall a big disappointment. At the end of the day, I'm alone. I dislike myself; I disgust myself. I hate what I look like, I hate my selfish, retiring ways. I feel listless and bored, too lazy to go downstairs to my car and retrieve the book I forgot to bring up.

I fear social interaction. On days like today when I feel ugly as hell, I don't want to be seen. Going to the gym seems too much to ask. Am I really ready to re-enter the workforce? Am I really ready to face the eyes of countless people who judge me for being so ugly? Of course I know that's not what their intent is, but I am so judgmental of myself.

Friends sometimes tell me that I am beautiful, but I think they're just being nice. How could anyone think that a pimpled, hairy frump girl like me is beautiful? So I'm stuck in my adolescent body, except now I have more facial hair than some men. Too much estrogen, the lab results said.

What is wrong with me? I have so much to be grateful for, but all I want is affirmation. I want to be told over and over that I'm good enough so that I don't have to work at believing it. I want other people to build me up so that I don't have to think about what's really inside me.

How can I learn to like myself? I suppose that is my quest: how to cultivate love and gratefulness for myself, the kind of unwavering love that accepts imperfections and foibles. How does one learn to like oneself? I am flummoxed

I have a sneaking suspicion that if only I could unlock the secret of self-acceptance I could find peace with my spirituality too - peace with the God who made me and allowed painful things in my history, peace with the God who allows so much suffering in the world.

Where is self-acceptance? I search for it on YouTube, in books, in the Bible, in prayer. I search with longing for happiness, for a sense of well-being, a feeling of thriving, no matter what I'm doing or what I look like.

God of the universe, please answer and help me. Thank you for hearing me.