Honeyed eyes
White lies
"I'm well,"
But really I mean
"I'm in hell."
How are you?
I ask
A mask my question is
Like fizzy fizz
That hides the color of drink
Beneath its bubbling brim.
Meanwhile I sink, I sink,
I drown in despair unending.
My hand reaches
Above the waves,
All my strength spending
To grasp at anything tangible.
"Our God teaches,"
Friends well-meaning say
"That nothing is wasted."
Nothing wasted?
My life is wasted.
I live with eyes closed,
With faith supposed
But never felt.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Miserable
Miserable as usual. Can't remember the last time I took a shower. I've been in the same clothes for three days now. This is Monday, and I haven't stepped out of my apartment since Saturday. Everywhere I look is a mess. Help.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Swarms of swims
Chocolate ponderings
Smooth whisps of yellow green
Cheesy flakes of nefarious neverland
Nonsense
Not nonsense, beauty.
Untailored, rare, crystalline
Simmering smirks and belly laughs
hatred, heated, baked.
Intense and bright, dim as some,
Cancer of light
Cornea rays and billowing blooms
Drivel dripping with sorrow or
Something worth saving
A pocketful of rubbish
Or a handful of charming whimsy
Self-conscious I stare
I ruin with gaze unbending
I would like to be done,
Done and done with the
terrible burden of living
To move unfettered, unshackled, uncaged,
free from the weight of darkness,
Free from the curse
I'm told is not my fault.
Brain, work. Body, live.
Where can I catch a breath of hope?
To breathe with joy, to look with expectant pleasure
That is what I wish for
Not this prison of woe
Of bitter sight and sound
The taste of life mingled, tainted, marred, obliterated
No life, no hope, no thought except survival
Help! I plead, I cry.
But no help comes.
No Savior to rescue, to whisk from flames that engulf.
None.
I alone must face the next day.
I alone, alone.
Smooth whisps of yellow green
Cheesy flakes of nefarious neverland
Nonsense
Not nonsense, beauty.
Untailored, rare, crystalline
Simmering smirks and belly laughs
hatred, heated, baked.
Intense and bright, dim as some,
Cancer of light
Cornea rays and billowing blooms
Drivel dripping with sorrow or
Something worth saving
A pocketful of rubbish
Or a handful of charming whimsy
Self-conscious I stare
I ruin with gaze unbending
I would like to be done,
Done and done with the
terrible burden of living
To move unfettered, unshackled, uncaged,
free from the weight of darkness,
Free from the curse
I'm told is not my fault.
Brain, work. Body, live.
Where can I catch a breath of hope?
To breathe with joy, to look with expectant pleasure
That is what I wish for
Not this prison of woe
Of bitter sight and sound
The taste of life mingled, tainted, marred, obliterated
No life, no hope, no thought except survival
Help! I plead, I cry.
But no help comes.
No Savior to rescue, to whisk from flames that engulf.
None.
I alone must face the next day.
I alone, alone.
Can't
I can't go on like this. I keep saying that, but this time I can't. Or can I? Is it a choice? I want it to be a choice. I want to decide to be well, to enjoy my life, to enjoy the drudgery of office life or at least to tolerate it more than I am. God of the universe, do you hear me and see me? Do you care?
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