Shut up

You are like a child. You do not control your emotions. You cry when you don't get your way.

You are not like a mother. You never reassure me, saying, "It's going to be ok." Instead, you prey upon my anxiety and use the opportunity to gain a false sense of emotional closeness with me.

"I'm emotionally exhausted," I told you, hoping to help my case for why I need a little financial help from you and Dad.

"What does it feel like in your body?" you asked, pointing to your stomach. You wanted to know more than I was willing to share. You kept your cool because Dad was in the room, but the next day you let me have it.

I can't remember a time when you actually did tell me that it was going to be ok, that it would work out, that something would be better soon.

I also can't remember your telling me that God loves me. Not a single time from my childhood do I recall that you expressed to me how great and how wide and how long is God's love for me. I do recall your quoting Scripture to me, but the verses you used always made me feel afraid or somehow motivated to work harder.

Except that now I'm exhausted and can't work at all. No wonder I rolled my eyes when you raised your right hand in a moment of anger and said, "As God is my witness..."

Shut up and leave God out of it. That's what I wanted to say but knew it wouldn't help me get the financial support I need.

So now I now say it to you where you can't hear it. Shut up. God is different than you make Him out to be, and I reject your view of Him. I reject the lies you taught me about Him.

I reject you and your immaturity. I reject your puerile attempts to lash out at me, and I won't let you hurt me again. I don't know how I won't let you hurt me, since you always do, but somehow I am going to cut you out of my life.

Outwardly I may still claim to be your daughter, but inwardly you've lost me. I am no longer your little girl. I am no longer someone you can berate or manipulate.

As God is my witness, I am my own person. I am coming to see that He does love me, despite what you taught me, and that He is more a mother to me than you will ever be.

I know it's wrong to hate you, but I can't help it. You have robbed me of so many years of knowing what it feels like to be loved, and I hate you for taking advantage of me.

So I say it again, shut up and leave me alone.