Caught

I felt profoundly lonely today. It took all my energy to take a shower, and afterwards I felt so tired. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. I started reading a book around 6:30, got up at 8 or so, and then about 1:00 this afternoon, something changed when I got a text from a former co-worker.

She said her husband had been hired as my new boss and would like to meet with me before I come back to work.

I thought I had said no thanks to the job, but apparently it is still open for me.

All of a sudden my financial troubles were solved. So I called the HR manager and found out that yes, I still have a job if I want it. I got excited - for a moment.

Then the memory of the stresses of work came flooding back. Now I am starting to realize with dread what I have done. I have to make a choice, and this time it will be for good.

Am I going to continue to be depressed, or am I going to rejoin the workforce?

At the beginning of the day I wondered when or if my depression would lift. I could try working, I thought, but what would be the point? I'd be right back to feeling miserable in only a few weeks, exhausted in body and spirit and unable to interact with people. 

Is miserable not having enough money, or is miserable being stuck in the wrong job but pushing through because of the almighty dollar?

The other day, even before this decision, I asked God what I should do. Sitting at the top of Angel's Rest in the Columbia River Gorge, looking at the beautifully chiseled mountains, I thought I heard, "Love yourself."
Love myself. That is the very hardest thing anyone could ask me to do, yet strangely I want to try. I want to do it because it's exactly what my mother taught me not to do.

Does it mean going back to work, or does it mean trying something I've never tried before? Does it mean getting a paycheck, or could it mean another way of living I haven't yet discovered? 

Today I felt so pointless. I've so longed for this time of quiet and reflection, and now that it's here I'm overwhelmed. I don't know how to face who I am, I don't know who I am, I only know who I don't want to be anymore.

Or do I? The thought of donning work attire and showing up to the job each day is at the same time terrifying and attractive - attractive because of that paycheck. And most attractive because I wouldn't have to ask my parents for money. Attractive because I could be separate from them again.

Even if I go back to work, which - how could I entertain such an idea? It's for the money. I want that money. I want to be free from my parents, but I don't want to crash and burn again.

Oh God, if ever I needed your help, I could really use it right now. I'm caught between money and facing the reality of my depression. Or is my depression real at all? Have I been making this up, or have I really been at my wits' end?

Please show me what to do unequivocally.

If I could go back to work with a different job, stay in an office and hide from people, I think I'd be happy. I'd like to learn grant-writing and the mechanics of direct-mail fundraising.

My co-worker told me in her text that her husband would like me to do something different than what my former supervisor had me doing. I think if I could be honest with the new supervisor about what I'm looking for in a position, it might be a good idea to at least take the meeting and see what the new boss wants.

I know what I don't want: I don't want schmooze again with fake people, and I don't want to do event planning. I want to be myself, wherever I go, and not forced to talk about my work when I'm not working.

Can I do it? Can I withstand the pressures of people asking me do much more than my job description?

I'm not sure if I can, but I want to. I miss wearing work clothes, I miss getting dressed up and going someplace. I miss feeling useful.

I don't think my closest advisers are going to vote for my going back to my old job, especially because seeing my mom just a week ago left me unhinged, suicidal, in fact.

I'm obviously not stable, but I could really use the money.

Maybe there is a way to have a job and still be anonymous around town.  Maybe going back to my job isn't the best idea.

But I know the guy I'd be working for - a kind man, a go-getter. Do I have what it takes to be a good employee? Do I have what it takes to move to a new apartment, keep chipping away at all my health concerns, and also be working full-time?

Can I be making meals for myself, taking care of myself, and getting good rest, while at the same working 40+ hours a week?

I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything - except the fact that I'm caught in a decision I don't want to make. And also the fact that making a good income won't solve my depression. It definitely would help my money problem, though.